Day After The Tentacle
by BitiumRibbon
Summary: [Day of the Tentacle] Bernard, Hoagie and Laverne, a year after the tentacle madness, go to a friend's wedding and end up entwined in yet another mess with Dr. Fred and the ChronOJohn.


_Day After the Tentacle_

_Chapter 1: Time and Time Again_

_Bernard_

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

No, folks, the priest was not talking to me, nor Laverne or Hoagie.

The three of us sat in the fourth row, watching the bride and groom's lips connect. Laverne wiped the tears from her larger left eye with a sopping wet handkerchief. Hoagie was asleep, snoring softly and fogging up my glasses. As for me, I was watching the spectacle and swearing that I'd get married one day, as sure as my name was Bernard Bernoulli.

I just needed to find a girl who was as interested as I was in quantum physics.

Up underneath the wedding arch, Dave and Sandy pulled apart. Their smiles had never been bigger. It reminded me of the look on Hoagie's face when he learned there'd be an open buffet at the wedding reception.

We'd been invited down to Miami for the wedding, and even as I sat watching the event I was still trying to figure out how we'd managed to scrape together enough money to do it. Fresh out of college, in debt up to our ears, and there we were, crowded on a packed bench on the groom's side, clad in outfits that were making us sweat like pigs in the hot weather. Even Hoagie smelled worse than usual, and Laverne's wiry blonde hair was dripping on her green and mauve dress.

Dave and Sandy were now walking back down the aisle, and Laverne and I stood with the rest of the crowd, elbowing Hoagie to wake him up. He soon stood as well, yawning as he watched the bride and groom walk past the crowd. Everyone was applauding loud enough to wake the dead. It gave me a headache.

The spectators were beginning to file away from the sandy ceremony toward their cars, ready to follow the newlyweds' limo to the reception. That was our cue to head for my old pickup. It was still running, despite my collision with the tree outside the Edison mansion. It took a bit of a push to get it going, and it still smelled like cow, but it was as trusty as ever.

Of course, that wasn't really saying much.

The other cars began to drive away, and the three of us stood next to my pickup, dreading the task of starting it. Laverne looked at me, her huge eye seeming, as it always did, to stare me down. "Bernard, when are you going to break down and get a new car?"

"I'll break down when it breaks down," I replied. "It still works, so I'll still use it."

"When you do get a new one," said Hoagie, "could you give us the scrap metal from this? You know, we could, like, hurl it into the crowd, knock off a few heads."

I didn't bother to answer him. He'd quit his job as a roadie to start his own band. They'd called themselves "Hancock's Blanket." It seemed that meeting the founding fathers really had an impact on him, but not of the sort one would expect. But then, I'd learned not to expect too much from Hoagie.

Fifteen minutes and three false starts later, we were on the road to the hall where the wedding reception was being held. It was easy to find. It had been built right on the beach, so all we had to do was follow the coastline.

We pulled into the parking lot, leaving tracks of wet sand on the pavement behind us. I flicked off the ignition, pulled the wet towel off the windshield, and climbed out of the truck as Laverne and Hoagie hopped out of the back. I eyed the hall. Sandy and Dave had sure chosen a nice place. It was perfectly white, and looked about the size of a football field.

Hoagie headed for the doors (and the buffet, I suspected), but Laverne and I headed around to the beach to find a nice little back patio, where I found the wedding party chatting away. Sandy had never looked better. She'd done her hair up in curls, and her wedding dress flowed right to the ground. I was briefly reminded of Purple Tentacle's suction cup, and hurriedly looked at something else.

Dave, for his part, had scrapped the blue jeans and jacket in favour of a strapping white tuxedo. If I hadn't known him better, I'd almost have called him respectable. I'd been wondering for a long time when he and Sandy would tie the knot. After all that happened during the incident six years ago, I'd figured they'd head for a wedding chapel the very next day.

We walked over. Wendy, who had just been chatting them up about her newest novel, had gone inside to salvage what Hoagie had left uneaten. I watched her go, amused for a few seconds at the look of disappointment on her face, and then turned to Dave. "Hey, big guy," I said. This much was true. He'd grown at least another foot since I'd last seen him.

He grinned. "Hey, tuna head." Grown, yes. Matured, no.

Sandy elbowed him. "Hey! What kind of a thing is that to say to a friend?"

"No, no," I said. "He's been calling me _that _name for years." I then turned to my blonde companion. "Laverne seems fonder of 'motor mouth,' though."

Dave laughed. "True enough."

I rolled my eyes, although I doubt anyone noticed through my glasses.

Laverne, for her part, was eyeballing (and I do mean eyeballing) Sandy's wedding dress. "Gee," she said, "I hope my dress looks that good when I get married."

"Thanks," Sandy replied. "I picked it out myself… and Dave's tux, too."

That explained all the white, I thought. "You picked the hall, too, didn't you?"

She nodded. "Yes. Do you like it?"

"It's very…" I paused. "Yes, I do, but I don't think it has enough room for a buffet to suit Hoagie."

As if on cue, my obese friend emerged from the hall eating a banana, followed by indignant stares from the patrons who hadn't eaten anything yet. His suit was covered in various different food stains. I avoided taking a look at Sandy, but I could almost see her craving a can of air freshener as he approached.

She put on a brave show, anyway. "Hello, Hoagie," she said. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," he replied, and then belched loud enough to make everyone near us jump. He fanned himself, and then continued. "By the way, congrats on your, like, wedding and stuff."

Sandy seemed as if she was going to be sick. Dave, however, looked like he was trying hard not to laugh. "Thanks, Hoagie," he said. "How's your new band doing?"

Hoagie grinned. "Hancock's Blanket? We're doing great. We just put out our first album this week, if you want to check it out."

"What's it called?" asked Sandy, although I could already tell she was dreading the answer.

"'Kumquats Look Like Cherries.' We're real proud of it." He finished his banana, tossing the peel on the ground. It landed on one of Sandy's shoes, who quickly edged away from it.

There was a long silence. Dave was the first to speak. "Um… all right." Then he turned back to me. "What about you? Any big publications?"

I shook my head. I almost mentioned my recent research on time travel and inter-dimensional outhouses, but I just said, "nope. I… have a job in the service industry."

Hoagie and Laverne both snorted, trying not to laugh. I looked daggers at the both of them before Sandy asked the next question. "What's the job?"

I sighed. "I walk dogs."

At this, Dave, Laverne and Hoagie all burst out laughing. I stood in quiet indignation. _Calm blue skies, _I thought, _velocity is the function of frequency and wavelength…_

Dave finally calmed himself down enough to speak. "You walk dogs? You're _allergic _to dogs!"

Laverne, who had also calmed down somewhat, started laughing again. "He… he barely walks the dogs," she panted out between giggles. "The dogs… walk him!" Unable to control herself, she collapsed into another fit of laughter, joined by Dave and Hoagie, and even Sandy this time.

I suppose I should thank them for that. Because if I hadn't been so annoyed, I most likely wouldn't have looked up into the sky in a huff and then seen what was about to land directly on top of me.

It was thus only within a few seconds of my jumping frantically out of the way that it landed with a great _thud! _where I had been standing a few seconds earlier. I turned to look at what it was, and the look of horror on my face could have rivalled that of Hoagie's when we ran out of food the previous summer.

Standing clumsily between Hoagie and Laverne was an unmistakable green outhouse of terror known to the three of us as the Chron-O-John©. And then, before any of us could get our wits about us enough to get away from it, the door creaked open and out stumbled the day's second nightmare.

Dr. Fred Edison, lab coat and all.

Our reactions were somewhat mixed. Sandy screamed and ran for the beach. Dave rolled up his sleeves. Laverne and Hoagie backed away slowly. I stood there like a dunce with my mouth hanging open.

Dr. Fred looked around himself and groaned. "Damn it… this isn't my house!" Then he saw me and lost it. "Oh, no! Don't tell me I have to deal with you kids again!"

It was funny… I'd been thinking the same thing in reverse.

"Dr. Fred!" said Dave. "What are you doing here?"

Dr. Fred glanced at him and then waved dismissively. "Don't be a tuna head. I didn't intend to come here and crash your… eh…" He looked around again. "What is this, anyway?"

I finally gathered up my addled brains and stepped forward. "Um, Dr. Fred? Perhaps we should discuss this somewhere else. Or some other time. In fact, speaking of which, why don't we plug in your Chron-O-John© and you can leave? Right now, maybe?"

He rounded on me. "You! It's your fault I'm here in the first place, you spectacled monstrosity!"

I could have called him the same name in return, but I didn't think of it, oddly enough. Funny how the best comebacks don't occur to you until long after they become useless. Instead, I asked the obvious question. "How is this _my _fault?"

"Your ruddy diamond!" His fists were clenched. "My time machine has gone haywire! I've spent the last five hours trying to get back to my mansion!"

Laverne and Hoagie had the sense to step in at this point, and Laverne was the one to say what we'd all been thinking. "Why are you still tinkering with that thing? Didn't the incident last year teach you anything?"

Dr. Fred stared at her blankly. "Did you say 'last year'? Good, at least I know what _time _I'm dealing with…"

"What?" said Hoagie, and for a minute I thought he couldn't understand – that or he'd finally gone deaf – but he continued. "How long has it been since you, like, last saw us?"

Dr. Fred, meanwhile, was still tinkering with the Chron-O-John©. "As far as I'm concerned, you buffoons left my house yesterday. And I was hoping that would be the last time I'd ever have to see the back of you."

"Wait a minute, Dr. Fred!" I said. "Do you mean to tell us that even after all that tentacle mayhem you went right back to the time machine? Even after Laverne and Hoagie were trapped in different _centuries_?!"

Dr. Fred stopped, and then sighed. "All right, so I'd missed paying a few of my bills. I just wanted to go and mail them off a few days earlier. Anyway, that's not important. I wouldn't even _be _here if you hadn't buggered up my system with your faulty diamond!"

It was at this point that Dave stepped forward. "All right, I feel really out of the loop here…"

"Trust me, Dave," said Laverne, "this is a loop I'd rather not be a part of."

I remember her saying that because it was about then that I made the really stupid mistake of taking a step forward. Remember the old slipping-on-the-banana-peel gag? It works sometimes.

I could almost hear the slide whistle go off as my left foot flew out from under me and I tumbled forward. It almost seemed to go in slow motion. One moment I saw the ground; the next, I saw Hoagie and Laverne's faces; and then the last thing I remember seeing was Dr. Fred's behind before I slammed into him, causing the both of us to fly headfirst into the Chron-O-John©. The door swung shut with a seemingly gentle click, and I tried to push my way out of it, but it was too late; I could already hear the propeller spinning. Then I felt that horribly familiar lurching feeling of blasting off into the space-time continuum.

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you dream you're falling a long, long way?

This was a whole lot worse.


End file.
